Dear Doctors Column, December 10, 2007

Coping With Holiday Depression

Question:

I get so depressed around the holidays because I can't live up to everyone's expectations. I dread the weeks from Thanksgiving to New Year's and think of leaving town until it's all over, even though I know it isn't possible. Everyone else seems to be so happy enjoying the season. Is it just me?

Answer:

You're not the only one to suffer the stresses of the holidays. When the holidays roll around, depression and stress are often the byproducts of high expectations we carry around with us. The holidays bring out the blues in many people, especially those who've recently lost a loved one or who are far from their children or friends.

This melancholy feeling is not limited, however, to those separated from loved ones. More often, it's brought on by the stresses of trying to meet all the demands and complete all the tasks we've added to our schedules because of the holidays.

Early warning signs for holiday season depression include having a shorter temper than normal, problems sleeping, losing interest in activities you normally enjoy, and over-reacting to minor annoyances. Although the holiday blues rarely outlast the season, mental health experts say there are ways to help avoid feeling low during these weeks.

Communicating feelings is the first step toward destressing the season. Experts say we can ease stress with some simple strategies:

• Avoid thinking that everything has to be perfect.
• Omit some of the holiday decorating or food preparation if it's too burdensome.
• Lower your expectations for family gatherings.
• Establish what your priorities are — to observe a religious holiday, gather around friends and family, or to simply spend some quiet time alone — and base your plans around those goals.

They also suggest slipping away from family gatherings if you begin to feel stressed rather than allowing the tension to build. The key is not to let stress build up. Take breaks and allow yourself to relax whenever possible. Exercise regularly, even if it's just a brisk walk, and avoid overeating and excessive drinking.

Feeling particularly tense? Try this tension buster: Take a deep breath and hold it for 3 seconds. Breathe out slowly, letting your shoulders slump into a more relaxed position.

To help reduce your anxiety get your husband and children or friends involved. If you need help, be direct and ask for what you want. Stop dropping hints. Many times spouses, children, and friends have no idea what your needs and anxieties are. Giving them each a chance to help take the stress out of the season by being involved can help you and build their feelings of self-esteem. All family members need to be aware of what they can do to prevent stress from taking its toll on any one member.

Keep these additional thoughts in mind to reduce your anxiety and depression level:

• Realize that holiday stress is real.
• Accept family members and friends for the way they are. They're not about to change just because it's Christmas.
  
• Begin new traditions, such as creating a memorial holiday stocking to remember those who have passed away.
  
• Delegate chores and responsibility. No one has time to do everything, but almost everyone has time to do something.
  
• Set a budget and stick to it.
  
• Remember that you're not alone.
  

Communication is essential. Every one wants a happy holiday season, but we need to stop and remind ourselves that no one person is responsible for making a family holiday happy. If you tend to assume this role in your family, make a conscious effort to recognize what you're doing and stop the behavior before you get to a breaking point. If the feeling of loneliness and depression don't go away with the holiday season, you may need help from a professional.